Hastiest Handiwork
Climate-change worrying, badly crafted fiction, odd things about The Office, and other non-important creations by Mike V.

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From the Desk of the Editor

i think it's pretty funny that the Global Climate Strike is today, and the Area 51 "raid" is also today. i'm not a big conspiracy theory dude but it wouldn't shock me if the A51 thing was intentionally created to distract from the Climate Strike.

apparently the deleted scenes from Event Horizon were improperly stored in a Transylvanian salt mine (not joking) and we won't get the full, 120 minute director's cut of the film that at one time existed. That's uhh...that's okay with me. Growing up with an aunt and uncle who both loved horror films, I had lots of hand-me-down VHS tapes of all things horror. I can say without exception it was my favorite movie genre, and nothing really "got" me. I knew it was all fake. I liked Freddy Krueger.

Event Horizon done right fucked all that mess up. The film was released in '97, so I probably saw it in '98 or '99 which would put me at no older than 12 when I saw it. I don't remember much of the movie other than the guy from Jurassic Park becomes a fucking demon and people die. For whatever reason, when I watched the movie the concept of mortality first clicked into my brain, and brought about an intense existential dread in me that has never left (yay!) I legit just like sat there crying and hyperventilating in front of the TV in my childhood home living room. I stopped watching horror movies for a long time after that. Still haven't seen Event Horizon again to this day. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Gonna die either way, ya know?
in a move that scientists are calling "pretty stupid," i am redownloading fallout: new vegas and fallout 4 as i write this, so that i can do a science/melee playthrough and be a cyber ninja and oh god my life has no meaning what is this

running in shorts gives your legs a farmers tan. here's the difference of my exposed leg and my covered leg as derived from a picture i took of my leg and created an average color value of my tan/no tan leg portions.

aka from my ankle to my knee cap i'm looking tan af

the most imaginative part of a dnd campaign in 2019 is the belief that you and three or four friends will all meet in person on an agreed upon date and not just flake out on short notice with a weak excuse or retroactively flake out by ignoring everyone's calls/texts for a few hours during the agreed meeting time, and then finally say something vague like "oh man my phone died and i was stuck overnight in philly" to offer reasoning for the shittiness.

my tiefling warlock is cool, though.
just got this spyshot a friend took as i ran by him this morning. i love how much of a goober i look like in this. this is my favorite thing for today.

running to the point of total physical exhaustion and then going home and watching attitude-era WWE(F) clips on youtube and crying from the nostalgia rush and dehyrdration is a big mood.

It's 6:28am do YOU know where your monstera deliciosa is??!

AUGUST 31ST, 2019
The 7 Types of Friends You Have:

1. Friends you talk to regularly and see often.
2. Friends you talk to regularly and see somewhat often.
3. Friends you talk to somewhat often and see somewhat often.
4. Friends you talk to somewhat often and only see once in a while.
5. Friends you talk to once in a while and only see once in a while.
6. Friends you text with week-long gaps between messages that mostly consist of "ugh, I know! We DEF need to hang out soon!" but then neither of you take any concrete steps towards arranging a date/time to hang out.
7. Not Friends.

AUGUST 28TH, 2019
When the song New York by St. Vincent came out a few years ago, I really liked it. I obsessed over it. I had it on loop for days. Something about it just seemed so genuine, so meaningful. There was a honesty about it. I Googled something to the effect "What does the song New York by St. Vincent mean" because I am an old person who searches full questions in Google.

Some results said it was about her break up with Kristen Stewart. For whatever reason, when my brain read "Kristen Stewart" it replaced it with "Kristen Wiig." My brain put together this elaborate timeline of them meeting; surely it happened when St. Vincent was the musical guest on SNL from a few years ago. They might've chatted between sketches or at the after party. Exchanged numbers, or emails, or handles. Things progressed, things led to more things. A musical powerhouse and SNL star comedian formed to create an unlikely but inspiring indie power couple. Wandering around NYC. I was hooked on this new narrative that my brain just fabricated from nothingness; from some weird auto-correct it did when reading something haphazardly.

I re-read the info, realized my mistake, and found out loads of info about the actual relationship of Kristen Stewart and St. Vincent. It doesn't matter, and neither do I.

AUGUST 27TH, 2019
this desk is messy dude, the fuck