Hastiest Handiwork
Climate-change worrying, badly crafted fiction, odd things about The Office, and other non-important creations by Mike V.

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From the Desk of the Editor


FEBRUARY 24TH, 2020
purposely restricting oneself to only going on the internet and/or using the majority of ones electronic devices (tv, phone, computer) kinda...sucks?

yes, sucks. that's the word i was looking for.

will adjust to promote productivity while still using some tech. phone has actually been the easiest thing to not use; yay for small victories.


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i finally figured out how to manually create an RSS feed. so if you're viewing this website from the year 2001 don't worry, you'll now be able to see all updates on your favorite feed reader.


FEBRUARY 15TH, 2020
lo, and behold:
feeling old i
lost my bold and
fell below and
felt the blow
from a bold fellow
both blowsy and dull.



FEBRUARY 13TH, 2020
(untitled poem written by Hannah M. from 1998)

Potatoes are good.
I like to eat peaches.
I like to eat food.

amen, sister.


FEBRUARY 12TH, 2020


midnight bread
it's like normal bread
but sexier
(this is only dough, bread will be baked in 12 hours)


FEBRUARY 2ND, 2020
10-15 years from now
trailer plays
shows the finale to a car race
one of the cars flips over and rolls
catches fire
cut to black: "From the Visionary Director of..."
cut to driver rolling on racetrack, escaping the wreck
driver stands up, takes off helmet
it's Christian Bale
cut to black: "The Dark Knight Trilogy"
cut to driver, walking down track
announcer at race: "And somehow it looks like Bruce Wayne survived the crash, folks!"
cut back to: "The Dark Knight Trilogy" but 'Trilogy' fades away, and 'Returns' fades in.

okay thanks for coming to my tedxnewjersey talk


JANUARY 27TH, 2020
i've found a decent small lot coffee now being sold at a local grocery store. the wife actually likes it and it's relatively cheap (compared to say, the $22/12oz bag "fancy shit" we've tried in the past. only problem is that it's a limited item and will be out of stock this time next week.

life is fleeting, folks. enjoy the coffee while you can.

p.s. i swear i'm going to finish monkey wrench gang this week, mark.


JANUARY 24TH, 2020
"take a picture, it'll last longer" is now just an unfortunate reality for the glaciers of our world.


JANUARY 1ST, 2020
Hey so I got rid of my chromeOS on my chromebook and am using Ubuntu now. Sound doesn't work, everything's a little wonky, and I'm trying out all sorts of new stuff, but it's fun. Good way to change things up to start the year and be less of a piece of shit online all day.

...the only downside is I don't know how I'll put together my podcast for tomorrow yet, but I'll figure something out. Maybe.


DECEMBER 27TH, 2019
In 2018 I ran a total of 822 miles.

In 2019 I ran a total of 819 miles. Fuck.

I had big goals this year, namely breaking the 1,000 mile mark at minimum, ideally getting up to 1,500 miles for the year. I'll run once or twice in the next few days to "beat" the 2018 total, but overall it was a disappointing year for my running. I failed to finish my big 42+ mile race in October, and I didn't really run any other races the rest of the year. I skipped the post-Thanksgiving trail run that I did last year, and really haven't been running at all since October. If I ran the same amount of miles this Oct through December as I did last year, I'd be over 1,000 miles in 2019.

Oh well. There's always next year.

On that topic, I'll probably post something in a few days with my resolutions and all that jazz. I'm a big believer in resolutions; when you really sit and reflect and create good, challenging goals for yourself I think they are meaningful and useful. I've never been able to complete all my resolutions in a given year, but I have been able to radically change parts of my life and I'm better for it.

On a more fun note, I've read 43 books so far in 2019 and plan to get to 45 by banging out my current book and then blazing through the last one for the year. Can I get to the fabled 52 books next year? We'll see, we'll see. Happy whatever days and merry new year, 2020 will be fun.


DECEMBER 12TH, 2019
me in 2000: man i never have enough time to catch up with everything on newgrounds; i’m so glad i found one website with so much stuff on it!

me in 2020: i literally have a negative physical reaction when i go to reddit but my dopamine reward pathways are so fucking disordered that i don’t know what else to do.


DECEMBER 11TH, 2019
at some point in december 2009 i was probably digging my car out of the rutgers livingston parking lot so that i could drive home to work 1-3 gigs at a party rental place i worked for. bounce houses, cotton candy, dunk tanks, chocolate fountains, all that shit. i hated it but it paid pretty well. i liked the other people i worked jobs with; we spent a lot of time on the road. we were hired for colleges and high schools and companies all around the tri-state area, so sometimes it’d be like a 4 or 5 hour commute to wherever the gig was that day. eating gross food at gas stations, late night coffee runs, becoming slightly delirious from being awake for 20 hours and driving on the highway in the pitch-black. it was fun in a horrible kind of way. depression does that to ya; makes you enjoy stuff that anyone else would find fucking awful simply because your own brain is so horrible to itself all the time, any break in that feels great.

a lot changed in the ten years from then to now, and i'm grateful that things never got too dark on me that i gave up.


DECEMBER 3RD, 2019
anyone want to guest star on an ultra minimal and low-audience podcast? you have free reign to talk about basically anything at all for 2-4 minutes. can't pay unfortunately, but we will become entwined as collaborators for all time, which is pretty rad too.

if you're interested shoot me an email at nohappynonsense@gmail.com


NOVEMBER 18TH, 2019
the best part about having basically no responsibilities and unlimited free time to "explore your potential as a writer/creative" is that you get to plan out your day focused on reading and writing for 10 hours and then you get to play Outer Worlds and watch youtube videos all day instead because you're a useless, talentless, lazy piece of crap.

i might get rid of the desk, cuz it's stupid and so am i.


NOVEMBER 7TH, 2019
a new rambling post about music and being old/getting old/dying old whatever. a new podcast episode equally as puzzling as the first one. another vague bloggy update thing.

i'm settling into some regular routines of content creation finally. would like to increase my output to include some weekly things but for the next few weeks i'm okay with the amount of work i'm putting out across the various webterzones i post on.


OCTOBER 31ST, 2019




OCTOBER 30TH, 2019
i have pink eye, somehow. i don't even eat ass.



OCTOBER 28TH, 2019
have you ever been stuck in a nap trap? you know, when you're cold or you're tired or you're bored or you just don't have it in you to exist for like an hour or you ate too much cereal and your body is trying to shut itself down so it can process all that garbage, or you just ran 20+ miles a few hours ago or you're really good at lucid dreaming and just feel like going for a flyover in your dreamscape, or you don't feel like brushing your teeth but you know you should or you are waiting for your new masterpiece youtube video to upload, or you just want a nap, so you go to your bed and get under the covers and get your nap going, even set an alarm for like an hour from now, but then over the next three or four hours you keep zoning in & out of consciousness and keep turning off the alarm and changing the time for it to go off to further out and your normal cognitive capabilities are only operating at like 10% and there's this tiny, tiny voice in the back of your head saying "wake up, you idiot" but the other 90% of your brain has been overrun by lizardness and that 90% is like "nah lol nap time" and then finally you manage to get out of bed and you feel groggy for like six hours and you aren't sure if stuff you did this morning was actually this morning or it was yesterday and your entire sense of time is thrown off but at least you're alive and you should go drink some water and outline some writing stuff because your story isn't done yet, ol' chap and no one wants to hear your garbage yet but maybe one day they will so start jotting down ideas, have you ever had that happen?

me neither.


OCTOBER 27TH, 2019
killed the site.
now i've brought it back.
here to stay, bois.


SEPTEMBER 25TH, 2019
bought a bike today. haven't had a bike since i was 15. got really stoked test riding it at the shop and basically just said "fuck it, let's go." ideally i'll allow it to further my hip(ster)pie status and just bike everywhere feasible now instead of driving. and maybe instead of running 50 miles a week, i'll run 30 and bike 30 or something like that.

this entry feels way more bloggy than i'd like it to.


SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2019
i think it's pretty funny that the Global Climate Strike is today, and the Area 51 "raid" is also today. i'm not a big conspiracy theory dude but it wouldn't shock me if the A51 thing was intentionally created to distract from the Climate Strike.


SEPTEMBER 16TH, 2019
apparently the deleted scenes from Event Horizon were improperly stored in a Transylvanian salt mine (not joking) and we won't get the full, 120 minute director's cut of the film that at one time existed. That's uhh...that's okay with me. Growing up with an aunt and uncle who both loved horror films, I had lots of hand-me-down VHS tapes of all things horror. I can say without exception it was my favorite movie genre, and nothing really "got" me. I knew it was all fake. I liked Freddy Krueger.

Event Horizon done right fucked all that mess up. The film was released in '97, so I probably saw it in '98 or '99 which would put me at no older than 12 when I saw it. I don't remember much of the movie other than the guy from Jurassic Park becomes a fucking demon and people die. For whatever reason, when I watched the movie the concept of mortality first clicked into my brain, and brought about an intense existential dread in me that has never left (yay!) I legit just like sat there crying and hyperventilating in front of the TV in my childhood home living room. I stopped watching horror movies for a long time after that. Still haven't seen Event Horizon again to this day. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Gonna die either way, ya know?
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in a move that scientists are calling "pretty stupid," i am redownloading fallout: new vegas and fallout 4 as i write this, so that i can do a science/melee playthrough and be a cyber ninja and oh god my life has no meaning what is this


SEPTEMBER 14TH, 2019
running in shorts gives your legs a farmers tan. here's the difference of my exposed leg and my covered leg as derived from a picture i took of my leg and created an average color value of my tan/no tan leg portions.


aka from my ankle to my knee cap i'm looking tan af


SEPTEMBER 12TH, 2019
the most imaginative part of a dnd campaign in 2019 is the belief that you and three or four friends will all meet in person on an agreed upon date and not just flake out on short notice with a weak excuse or retroactively flake out by ignoring everyone's calls/texts for a few hours during the agreed meeting time, and then finally say something vague like "oh man my phone died and i was stuck overnight in philly" to offer reasoning for the shittiness.

my tiefling warlock is cool, though.
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just got this spyshot a friend took as i ran by him this morning. i love how much of a goober i look like in this. this is my favorite thing for today.



SEPTEMBER 11TH, 2019
running to the point of total physical exhaustion and then going home and watching attitude-era WWE(F) clips on youtube and crying from the nostalgia rush and dehyrdration is a big mood.


SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2019
It's 6:28am do YOU know where your monstera deliciosa is??!


AUGUST 31ST, 2019
The 7 Types of Friends You Have:

1. Friends you talk to regularly and see often.
2. Friends you talk to regularly and see somewhat often.
3. Friends you talk to somewhat often and see somewhat often.
4. Friends you talk to somewhat often and only see once in a while.
5. Friends you talk to once in a while and only see once in a while.
6. Friends you text with week-long gaps between messages that mostly consist of "ugh, I know! We DEF need to hang out soon!" but then neither of you take any concrete steps towards arranging a date/time to hang out.
7. Not Friends.



AUGUST 28TH, 2019
When the song New York by St. Vincent came out a few years ago, I really liked it. I obsessed over it. I had it on loop for days. Something about it just seemed so genuine, so meaningful. There was a honesty about it. I Googled something to the effect "What does the song New York by St. Vincent mean" because I am an old person who searches full questions in Google.

Some results said it was about her break up with Cara Delevingne. I also obtained the knowledge that St. Vincent was now dating Kristen Stewart. For whatever reason, when my brain read "Kristen Stewart" it replaced it with "Kristen Wiig" and replaced Kristen Wiig with Cara Delevingne. So I assumed St. Vincent and Kristen Wiig had this amazing love story. My brain put together this elaborate timeline of them meeting; surely it happened when St. Vincent was the musical guest on SNL from a few years ago. They might've chatted between sketches or at the after party. Exchanged numbers, or emails, or handles. Things progressed, things led to more things. A musical powerhouse and SNL star comedian formed to create an unlikely but inspiring indie power couple. Wandering around NYC. I was hooked on this new narrative that my brain just fabricated from nothingness; from some weird auto-correct it did when reading something haphazardly.

I re-read the info, realized my mistake, and found out loads of info about the actual relationship of Kristen Stewart and St. Vincent. It doesn't matter, and neither do I.


AUGUST 27TH, 2019
this desk is messy dude, the fuck